The Ghost Hunters Breeding Challenge - ANSWER

Well, as they say in something, the gauntlet has been thrown. Rissa interrupted my busy laying around and napping schedule this Labor Day weekend to pose a very important question about the future of the human race, for which I have a very important answer. After seconds-upon-seconds of thought about which member of the Ghost Hunters team I would repopulate the world with after a freak toothpaste factory accident poisoned the rest of the human race, I have made my choice.

There were many great choices (there were no great choices), but let's start with those who I did NOT choose. I have managed to find YouTube tribute videos for all of those individuals that I will not be boning because apparently there are some ladies out there who do want to bone them.

First, I will not repopulate the human race with Brian Harnois.

Brian has been fired from and/or quit TAPS like 1,000 times. The world does not need this kind of inconsistency when it is trying to repopulate itself. Plus, gross.

I will also not be saving the human race with Steve Gonsalves.

Steve has many tattoos, yes, but I'm guessing that he has many STDs to go along with those tattoos. Plus, he always seems like he's one argument about ghost camera positions away from a domestic violence charge.

Sorry Dustin Pari, but I will not be having sex with you either.

Dustin's backwards-visor-sporting obsession is so cool (it is terrible), but I do not want this to be the fashion statement that the future humans embrace first.

Lastly, I will not be creating future world children with Andy Andrews.

I'm pretty sure Andy weighs about 90 pounds less than I do. So, no, I will not be breeding with him. Also, he looks less like a human being than the other options.

First runner-up is Jason Hawes. Jason is the founder of TAPS, and I do LOVE POWER, so he seems like a good choice, but I want the future human race to have full heads of hair and he is lacking in the head hair department.

That means the winner is Grant Wilson, the co-founder of TAPS (and TAPS webmaster, hawt). Congratulations, Grant! I would choose you to repopulate the world with. You could say "What the frig?!" to me as often as you'd like and together we would rid the world of those psychics (who are already dead) and laugh at people who believe in orbs (they are dead, and orbs are so obviously dust).

So, in conclusion:

+

=

FUTURE OF HUMAN RACE

The Ghost Hunters Breeding Challenge

Hey Randi! How is Gilbert? Kind of gay? I thought so. Anyway, since it's Labor Day Weekend and you've got some time, I've got... a challenge.

In a freak toothpaste factory accident, everyone in the world died from toothpaste poisoning, except for you (Randi) and the entire Ghost Hunters team (minus Donna and that annoying Long Island trashbag whose name I don't know. Rebecca? Whatever.), who uses the same Crest Whitening with Fluoride that you do. Now that your introductions are over, it's time to get down to business. In other words, IT IS BUSINESS TIME.

You have to restart the human race. Who will sire your children? Meet the candidates:

Jason "Jay" Hawes: The founder of TAPS and father of like 10 kids (who are now dead), he's the bald, gruff speaking man-in-charge. Do you like his shiny pate and surprisingly supple legs? What about his colorful button ups? You decide.


Grant Wilson: The kinder, rapid-laugh cohort of Jay, he is considered the co-founder of TAPS. His interests are full-bodied apparitions, clear EVPs, and verifiable evidence. His dislikes are orbs and psychics. Do you laugh when he says "What the frig?" Then maybe you're ready for him to lay a train on you.


Steve Gonsalves: Overly-tattooed "tech manager" of the TAPS team, Steve is sometimes soft-spoken, but mostly just kind of a dumbass. He sure gets enthused about ghosts, but he DOESN'T get enthused about a great many other things: spiders, flying, heights, oceans, whole milk, deodorant, and public toilets. Do you like a man with complications? Then SG is waiting for you - and so is the human race.


Andy Andrews: Mousy, feminine-yet-married (she's dead now) Andy Andrews has the double-name market cornered. He "engineers" cool tools for ghost hunting, like his wrist-strapped flashlight (tm). He's also good at identifying owl pellets! Neat. If you've been thinking that maybe you're gay, AA is the closest you are getting to double X.


Brian Harnois: He's got snaggly teeth up the wazoo, but what he sure DOESN'T have is brains. Everything is a ghost, so good thing he's hunting them. They're everywhere! But if things get moderately scary, he knows when to run - and he'll tell you so! If you like hearing "dude" at least 40 times a day, BH is ready to love you... girl.



Dustin Pari: With all that spiky hair and upside-down visors, Dustin sure is Mr. Sassy Pants. His cool look and original wardrobe will tell you so. I think he might specialize in something, but the only thing I remember is him getting pushed down like a bitch in some castle by some ghost. What's up now, Pari? I mean - he could also be your partner and mate with you.


So there you go, Randi. For the sake of time and to spare you all that agonizing debating, I've saved the GHI team for another time. Please give us (myself and the reader) a short essay about whom you've chosen and why.

GOOD LUCK

Happy Friday Sluts

Current Events FAIL

I know it seems like I've been talking about the FAIL Blog in like every post, but let's pretend it's 2007 again and I am current on Internet trends. So this is my new favorite FAIL (you can click on it if you want to see a larger version):

No News Is Ridiculous News

If you're not from Arizona or have never lived in Arizona (which I think is none of our reader) then you probably don't know about our local news website, azcentral.com. They provide some legitimate news and pertinent Arizona-related information, but most of the time I find headlines like the ones below:

Oops, this is considered important news. But hey, the wake story included a picture of this dead guy propped up against a wall:

I only hope I can look this awesome when I die.

Something Special For The Cat Lady In Your Life

So Rissa has recently entered the world of cat ownership. Her cat’s name is Isi and she is adrobs. Isi was a teenage cat mother that Rissa found on Craigslist and now totally loves. ANYWAY, I fear she's a pink robe and an old pair of sweatpants away from becoming a legal citizen of Cat Ladyland. For example, as she mentioned previously, she watches movies like The Notebook with her cat and has posted a couple of videos on YouTube which can be found here (for your enjoyment).

So, I started thinking about all of the gift doors that have been opened now that she has become a cat lady. After a bit of googling, it seems the cat ladies of the world have really mobilized their feline-themed products on the world wide internets because I was provided with many gift ideas for future birthdays, Christmas, Labor Day, Valentine’s Day, Earth Day, etc. Below is a sample of the items that Rissa can expect to receive on all holidays for the rest of her life:

1. The most obvious gift is a subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. Here is where she can read heart-warming cat tales (PUN) like “one cat’s bicycle journey through South America”.

2. These figurines. The purple one is whimsical, while the red one has the market cornered on sassy.

3. *Singing* Here comes Cat-a Clause, here comes Cat-a Clause, right down Cat-a Clause lane…

4. This door stop so she can keep or herd of cats inside, or let them roam freely.

5. These adorrifying cat earrings that detach at the torso.

6. This Faberge cat jewelry box to keep all of her cat earrings in.

7. These cat salt and pepper shakers (and napkin holder!) for parties on Caturday.

8. These socks to keep her paws warm at night. BAD NEWS. These are currently out of stock due to high demand!

9. And finally, this stroller/cat prison for her to safely take her babies out for afternoon strolls. As you can see, it has many great features and is 30% larger than the original PetStroller (bonus!).

And there you have it!

I'm Not Cool Enough To Be a Part of the American Family

Today I was watching The Notebook by myself in my one bedroom apartment with my cat; truly, it was the most single-woman-experience I've had thus far. The only thing missing was a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, since the silent tears were definitely there (dignity=none). It was airing on ABC Family and during the movie there were several commercials for ORIGINAL ABC FAMILY PROGRAMMING.

I saw commercials for three different shows: Greek, Secret Life of the American Teenager, and something something Lincoln Street. Greek is about bitchy, smarmy, long-haired boys and girls drinkin', goin' to class, partyin', pledgin', and of course, LIVIN' IT UP COLLEGE-STYLE, which most likely includes giving some fat kid the nickname "Lunchbox." Secret Life is about high school kids doing the same thing, but also getting pregnant at 16. Finally, something something Lincoln Street is about a Black family.

I know what you're thinking - bad punchline. Good thing that was not the punchline. The payoff is this - the ABC Family channel motto for their original programming is "ABC Family - a NEW kind of family." According to this great motto, here are the essential elements of the NEW kind of American family:

-wispy bangs
-pledgin'
-being a totally amoral sophomore in high school who doesn't double bag it when they should
-layered shirts
-flat ironed hair
-wacky college pranks that most likely "go wrong"
-being a bitch
-date rape
-being Black (no one was Black in America before, whew!)

That's cool, ABC. I understand I'm not part of the new America. I'm just some stupid 23 year-old who hasn't gotten pregnant and didn't pledge to TriDelt.




You are SO welcome. (P.S. Et tu Molly Ringwald???!!!)

Things I'm Addicted To: Mad Men

Per usual, I’m late on a trend. I recently started watching Mad Men and I LOVE IT. In an unhealthy way. Anytime I’m not watching it, I think about watching it. The clothes, the constant smoking and drinking, the overt chauvinism, the racism…Wait. Why do I love this show? Because it’s f-ing awesome, that’s why. Seriously, all one of our reader should watch it if they aren’t.

Mad Men is on AMC (WTF, is there anything else on this channel?) and is about a Manhattan advertising agency in the early 1960s (the “Mad” stands for Madison Avenue. It’s a DOUBLE-ENTENDRE).

Even the opening credits are awesome

As I mentioned earlier, because it takes place in the early 1960s, there’s a lot of male chauvinism, racism, and secretary banging. Mad Men has two tickets on the PC Fail Train. I should be offended by most of what I see and hear, but I giggle and then want MORE.

Somebody put together a video of the top 10 Un-PC moments on Mad Men which covers some, but not all of the really good ones.

If I could have sex with a show, it would be Mad Men and then Mad Men would probably give me syphilis in return. When you start watching it reader, you will want to have sex with it too. Remember to use a condom though because this show will have sex with anyone.

Most Flattering Picture: Baby Head

God, that title is terrible. I'm sorry. But on the bright side, here's another flattering picture of me. Taken just yesterday, no less. This is from a baby shower I attended that had adorable/horrifying cupcakes with little frosting babies on top of them. This is me eating the baby head. Notice that you can't really tell where my face ends and my neck begins.

It's not the most Most Flattering Picture, but I'm putting it in the running.

Here's a picture of the cupcakes if you're wondering what they looked like:

Adorrifying indeed.

No Explanation Needed

My FAIL Moment

Oh. My. God. You guys. Ever since I've learned about the FAIL Blog I've been wanting to submit my own Fail to the site. Today my dreams have come true. So I was trolling one of the classiest websites that the Internets have to offer, UsMagazine.com (I know, I know, you expected better of me, but I NEED to know the latest trends in bangs and what The Jonas Brothers looked like when they were 7 years old), when I came across my first Fail.

I would love to submit it to the FAIL Blog, but I think the wounds are a little too fresh on this particular Fail and it would come across as distasteful. Sooo, I've decided to put it on my own blog because, let's face it, my standards are pretty low. I've even put it in the FAIL format.

You're Welcome.

I Live in Las Cruces, New Mexico

Much like Randi's "Things I'm Addicted To" and "Most Flattering Picture" featurettes, this post marks the beginning of what will most likely prove to be the most fruitful of my running themes: the fact that I Live in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

LC is a strange, Langoliers-esque city that resides not in the USA, but in the Plunited States of Gaymerica. Here, fact is fiction, and fiction is probably banned because it wasn't Catholic. After celebrating ONE FULL YEAR in the Cosmic Asshole of the Universe, I present you with some LC FUN FACTS (yaaayyy all riiiiggght):

-Each year, LC has a caterpillar migration where nearly a million big green caterpillars make their way through the city on the way to... whatever. Breed? Die? I don't know, and my giveashit meter just ran out of care-juice. The point is, at this time of year, the roads are smeared with thousands of green dots and their surprisingly bluish guts, like tropical burst gushers. When I ride over them with my bike, they make this strange snikt sound that makes me nauseous. If that isn't enough, this happens every year, but on the news they're still like "CATERPILLAR INFESTATION ZOMG!!!1" Literally, they complain about it on the 9 o'clock news. WHOOPS. You live in a city that is invaded by caterpillars once a year. The maybe-you-should-rethink-where-you-live hot air balloon just landed in your I'm-a-dumbass parking lot.

-The biggest theater in LC, the TELSHOR CINEMA 12 (the big 12), has absolutely no seating inside save the actual theater seats. It's like a weird betaverse where everyone is a vampire and doesn't need to sit (oh no I didn't!). P.S. - I just did.

-There is a farmers market where US currency isn't accepted, only swallows' beaks and American Spirit cigarettes. They just sell onions, Sagrado Corazon candles, fresh-made tortas, and gift certificates to Caliches, the local frozen custard stand. If you bring in a bushel's worth of migrant caterpillars, you can trade it in for one cup of cinnamon horchata and a case of that beer that's mixed with Clamato.

Things I'm Addicted To: Soul Calibur IV

If you don’t know what Soul Calibur is, you’re probably in a better place in your life right now than me (and most likely a lot cooler). I became addicted to this game during college when it was out for Nintendo Gamecube and spent many-a-night playing it mindlessly when I clearly should have been studying.


Soul Calibur is a Mortal Kombat-style fighting game and that’s about it. It has practically no story line, terrible voice acting, scantily-clad characters and is easy to learn how to play.

I haven’t played Soul Calibur for a couple of years, but I knew I was in trouble when the husband told me that Soul Calibur IV was going to be released for PS3. I became jittery like a recovering alcoholic in a room full o’ booze. Said husband picked up the game on the day it was released, I learned the new controls, and am now fully addicted to The Calibur again. You want proof? I’m developing a nerd blister on my left thumb.

You guys, this is pretty much what I look like when I’m playing:

That said, I would like to discuss the completely ridiculous nature of Soul Calibur. I’m absolutely convinced this game was developed by a basement full of 13 year old boys with an unlimited supply of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. Here are some reasons that I believe this to be true:

1. The lack of clothing for female characters and size of lady chesticles. All of the female characters look like this:

2. The “story line” incorporates words like “destiny” and “fate” but in a nonsensical way like, “The wind is my destiny and you shall not prevail!”. This could only be written by 13 year old boys who put all of their pubescent effort into creating point number 1 above.

3. Random presence of Darth Vader in a game otherwise filled with medieval-type characters. Yes nerds, in case you’re wondering, he fights with a light saber and can use the force.

Still, I am hopelessly addicted. Here’s an overview of the game for those of you who have lives and don’t have time to learn Talim’s grab attack and scissor kick combo:

P.S. - The guy who does this game review is also Rissa's boyfriend.

This Picture Is Only Worth Two Words: Suck It

A while ago the internet was like "Hey lay-dayz, why don't you smile nice for a picture for your blog?" And we were like "Whatever, internet." You know how we do.

I'm Concerned About Men's Deep V-Neck T-Shirts

Hey guys. I know you don’t have a lot of fashion options. Sorry about that. Since women have to have periods and babies, we get more options. It’s science.

Recently I’ve noticed more and more of you wearing deep v-neck t-shirts. No. In this girl’s opinion, man cleavage is not a good look. Hairy man cleavage is an even worse look.

No, Ed Westwick

No, Jonas Brother whose name I don't know

No, anorexic man model

No, this guy

Even though they’re available in lots of pretty colors that match any variation of khaki or faded denim, I would appreciate it if you would just stop.

In return, I will promise not to wear velour track suits. Deal?

Wal Mart Held a Gun to My Head

Today, I bought a dress at Wal Mart. Now, understand that I am properly ashamed of this. However, after a little thought, I realized that this opened the Pandora's box of the White Trash lifestyle. Here are a few new things I'm gonna bring on board to git 'er done (they say that, right?).

1. Chewing Tobacco

Chewing tobacco, or "chew" to all us people that have bought dresses at Wal Mart, is awesome. Tobacco tastes so delicious, I want to skip burning it and put it right in my mouth - with tiny shards of glass inside! My precancerous cells are humming in anticipation. Not only THAT, there's a cool trick called The Ring of Fire, where you ring the area between your lips and teeth (top and bottom, else it's not a ring - dur). I'm told it's so HOT (zing!) that the glass shards cut your tissue to put nicotine straight into your bloodstream, so you can throw up seconds after doing it. FIERCE!

2. Scratchers

Not only will I incorporate scratchers into my daily routine, like others who have bought dresses at Wal Mart, I will become addicted to them. My WT lifestyle would not be complete without a true addiction, and I want one that will suck my money up fast.

3. Bumper Stickers

My new bumper stickers will be bought exclusively at Chuck E Cheese, roller rinks, and thrift stores, to ensure that they are a) totally sparkly b) in a convenient oval shape and c) full of classy phrases like "no fear" and "princess" and "super bitch." I've spent 5 years of higher education to learn how to express myself. NOW, I AM HOME.

4. Camo Pants

Naturally, I'm going to need a pretty sweet pair of pants to stash all that cool shit in. So that means it's got to have a lot of pockets - all up and down those baggy pant legs. But how to roll in style? I can only think of one print - the king of prints - to bedeck my new travel-ware. CAMO. SIIIICK. I gotta make sure it has velcro pockets, though, because how else can I get my switch blade out fast enough?



I give you the finished product:

Who Has Two Thumbs and Loves Animal T-Shirts?

This girl. For some reason this morning while looking at a list of business-related things and a spreadsheet of business-related numbers, I started to think about animal t-shirts. Why? Why not. So, after a brief google image search, I present to you my 7 favorite animal t-shirts that can be found on the internet (through a brief google image search). I never claimed to be a writer.

Aaaanndd, Here. We. Go.

The last one is clearly my favorite because 1. there are two sides to the shirt, and 2. you can see the cat's assholes.

There are a lot of online retailers that sell these, so keep them in mind for Christmas and Kwanzaa.