Wal Mart Held a Gun to My Head

Today, I bought a dress at Wal Mart. Now, understand that I am properly ashamed of this. However, after a little thought, I realized that this opened the Pandora's box of the White Trash lifestyle. Here are a few new things I'm gonna bring on board to git 'er done (they say that, right?).

1. Chewing Tobacco

Chewing tobacco, or "chew" to all us people that have bought dresses at Wal Mart, is awesome. Tobacco tastes so delicious, I want to skip burning it and put it right in my mouth - with tiny shards of glass inside! My precancerous cells are humming in anticipation. Not only THAT, there's a cool trick called The Ring of Fire, where you ring the area between your lips and teeth (top and bottom, else it's not a ring - dur). I'm told it's so HOT (zing!) that the glass shards cut your tissue to put nicotine straight into your bloodstream, so you can throw up seconds after doing it. FIERCE!

2. Scratchers

Not only will I incorporate scratchers into my daily routine, like others who have bought dresses at Wal Mart, I will become addicted to them. My WT lifestyle would not be complete without a true addiction, and I want one that will suck my money up fast.

3. Bumper Stickers

My new bumper stickers will be bought exclusively at Chuck E Cheese, roller rinks, and thrift stores, to ensure that they are a) totally sparkly b) in a convenient oval shape and c) full of classy phrases like "no fear" and "princess" and "super bitch." I've spent 5 years of higher education to learn how to express myself. NOW, I AM HOME.

4. Camo Pants

Naturally, I'm going to need a pretty sweet pair of pants to stash all that cool shit in. So that means it's got to have a lot of pockets - all up and down those baggy pant legs. But how to roll in style? I can only think of one print - the king of prints - to bedeck my new travel-ware. CAMO. SIIIICK. I gotta make sure it has velcro pockets, though, because how else can I get my switch blade out fast enough?



I give you the finished product: