The Ghost Hunters Breeding Challenge

Hey Randi! How is Gilbert? Kind of gay? I thought so. Anyway, since it's Labor Day Weekend and you've got some time, I've got... a challenge.

In a freak toothpaste factory accident, everyone in the world died from toothpaste poisoning, except for you (Randi) and the entire Ghost Hunters team (minus Donna and that annoying Long Island trashbag whose name I don't know. Rebecca? Whatever.), who uses the same Crest Whitening with Fluoride that you do. Now that your introductions are over, it's time to get down to business. In other words, IT IS BUSINESS TIME.

You have to restart the human race. Who will sire your children? Meet the candidates:

Jason "Jay" Hawes: The founder of TAPS and father of like 10 kids (who are now dead), he's the bald, gruff speaking man-in-charge. Do you like his shiny pate and surprisingly supple legs? What about his colorful button ups? You decide.


Grant Wilson: The kinder, rapid-laugh cohort of Jay, he is considered the co-founder of TAPS. His interests are full-bodied apparitions, clear EVPs, and verifiable evidence. His dislikes are orbs and psychics. Do you laugh when he says "What the frig?" Then maybe you're ready for him to lay a train on you.


Steve Gonsalves: Overly-tattooed "tech manager" of the TAPS team, Steve is sometimes soft-spoken, but mostly just kind of a dumbass. He sure gets enthused about ghosts, but he DOESN'T get enthused about a great many other things: spiders, flying, heights, oceans, whole milk, deodorant, and public toilets. Do you like a man with complications? Then SG is waiting for you - and so is the human race.


Andy Andrews: Mousy, feminine-yet-married (she's dead now) Andy Andrews has the double-name market cornered. He "engineers" cool tools for ghost hunting, like his wrist-strapped flashlight (tm). He's also good at identifying owl pellets! Neat. If you've been thinking that maybe you're gay, AA is the closest you are getting to double X.


Brian Harnois: He's got snaggly teeth up the wazoo, but what he sure DOESN'T have is brains. Everything is a ghost, so good thing he's hunting them. They're everywhere! But if things get moderately scary, he knows when to run - and he'll tell you so! If you like hearing "dude" at least 40 times a day, BH is ready to love you... girl.



Dustin Pari: With all that spiky hair and upside-down visors, Dustin sure is Mr. Sassy Pants. His cool look and original wardrobe will tell you so. I think he might specialize in something, but the only thing I remember is him getting pushed down like a bitch in some castle by some ghost. What's up now, Pari? I mean - he could also be your partner and mate with you.


So there you go, Randi. For the sake of time and to spare you all that agonizing debating, I've saved the GHI team for another time. Please give us (myself and the reader) a short essay about whom you've chosen and why.

GOOD LUCK