I'm Not Cool Enough To Be a Part of the American Family

Today I was watching The Notebook by myself in my one bedroom apartment with my cat; truly, it was the most single-woman-experience I've had thus far. The only thing missing was a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, since the silent tears were definitely there (dignity=none). It was airing on ABC Family and during the movie there were several commercials for ORIGINAL ABC FAMILY PROGRAMMING.

I saw commercials for three different shows: Greek, Secret Life of the American Teenager, and something something Lincoln Street. Greek is about bitchy, smarmy, long-haired boys and girls drinkin', goin' to class, partyin', pledgin', and of course, LIVIN' IT UP COLLEGE-STYLE, which most likely includes giving some fat kid the nickname "Lunchbox." Secret Life is about high school kids doing the same thing, but also getting pregnant at 16. Finally, something something Lincoln Street is about a Black family.

I know what you're thinking - bad punchline. Good thing that was not the punchline. The payoff is this - the ABC Family channel motto for their original programming is "ABC Family - a NEW kind of family." According to this great motto, here are the essential elements of the NEW kind of American family:

-wispy bangs
-pledgin'
-being a totally amoral sophomore in high school who doesn't double bag it when they should
-layered shirts
-flat ironed hair
-wacky college pranks that most likely "go wrong"
-being a bitch
-date rape
-being Black (no one was Black in America before, whew!)

That's cool, ABC. I understand I'm not part of the new America. I'm just some stupid 23 year-old who hasn't gotten pregnant and didn't pledge to TriDelt.




You are SO welcome. (P.S. Et tu Molly Ringwald???!!!)