LC is a strange, Langoliers-esque city that resides not in the USA, but in the Plunited States of Gaymerica. Here, fact is fiction, and fiction is probably banned because it wasn't Catholic. After celebrating ONE FULL YEAR in the Cosmic Asshole of the Universe, I present you with some LC FUN FACTS (yaaayyy all riiiiggght):
-Each year, LC has a caterpillar migration where nearly a million big green caterpillars make their way through the city on the way to... whatever. Breed? Die? I don't know, and my giveashit meter just ran out of care-juice. The point is, at this time of year, the roads are smeared with thousands of green dots and their surprisingly bluish guts, like tropical burst gushers. When I ride over them with my bike, they make this strange snikt sound that makes me nauseous. If that isn't enough, this happens every year, but on the news they're still like "CATERPILLAR INFESTATION ZOMG!!!1" Literally, they complain about it on the 9 o'clock news. WHOOPS. You live in a city that is invaded by caterpillars once a year. The maybe-you-should-rethink-where-you-live hot air balloon just landed in your I'm-a-dumbass parking lot.
-The biggest theater in LC, the TELSHOR CINEMA 12 (the big 12), has absolutely no seating inside save the actual theater seats. It's like a weird betaverse where everyone is a vampire and doesn't need to sit (oh no I didn't!). P.S. - I just did.
-There is a farmers market where US currency isn't accepted, only swallows' beaks and American Spirit cigarettes. They just sell onions, Sagrado Corazon candles, fresh-made tortas, and gift certificates to Caliches, the local frozen custard stand. If you bring in a bushel's worth of migrant caterpillars, you can trade it in for one cup of cinnamon horchata and a case of that beer that's mixed with Clamato.
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1 comment:
LOLOLOL. I just cried a river of caterpillar guts blue TEARS of laughter. This feature MAKES THE BLOG.
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