The Ghost Hunters Breeding Challenge - ANSWER

Well, as they say in something, the gauntlet has been thrown. Rissa interrupted my busy laying around and napping schedule this Labor Day weekend to pose a very important question about the future of the human race, for which I have a very important answer. After seconds-upon-seconds of thought about which member of the Ghost Hunters team I would repopulate the world with after a freak toothpaste factory accident poisoned the rest of the human race, I have made my choice.

There were many great choices (there were no great choices), but let's start with those who I did NOT choose. I have managed to find YouTube tribute videos for all of those individuals that I will not be boning because apparently there are some ladies out there who do want to bone them.

First, I will not repopulate the human race with Brian Harnois.

Brian has been fired from and/or quit TAPS like 1,000 times. The world does not need this kind of inconsistency when it is trying to repopulate itself. Plus, gross.

I will also not be saving the human race with Steve Gonsalves.

Steve has many tattoos, yes, but I'm guessing that he has many STDs to go along with those tattoos. Plus, he always seems like he's one argument about ghost camera positions away from a domestic violence charge.

Sorry Dustin Pari, but I will not be having sex with you either.

Dustin's backwards-visor-sporting obsession is so cool (it is terrible), but I do not want this to be the fashion statement that the future humans embrace first.

Lastly, I will not be creating future world children with Andy Andrews.

I'm pretty sure Andy weighs about 90 pounds less than I do. So, no, I will not be breeding with him. Also, he looks less like a human being than the other options.

First runner-up is Jason Hawes. Jason is the founder of TAPS, and I do LOVE POWER, so he seems like a good choice, but I want the future human race to have full heads of hair and he is lacking in the head hair department.

That means the winner is Grant Wilson, the co-founder of TAPS (and TAPS webmaster, hawt). Congratulations, Grant! I would choose you to repopulate the world with. You could say "What the frig?!" to me as often as you'd like and together we would rid the world of those psychics (who are already dead) and laugh at people who believe in orbs (they are dead, and orbs are so obviously dust).

So, in conclusion:

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FUTURE OF HUMAN RACE

The Ghost Hunters Breeding Challenge

Hey Randi! How is Gilbert? Kind of gay? I thought so. Anyway, since it's Labor Day Weekend and you've got some time, I've got... a challenge.

In a freak toothpaste factory accident, everyone in the world died from toothpaste poisoning, except for you (Randi) and the entire Ghost Hunters team (minus Donna and that annoying Long Island trashbag whose name I don't know. Rebecca? Whatever.), who uses the same Crest Whitening with Fluoride that you do. Now that your introductions are over, it's time to get down to business. In other words, IT IS BUSINESS TIME.

You have to restart the human race. Who will sire your children? Meet the candidates:

Jason "Jay" Hawes: The founder of TAPS and father of like 10 kids (who are now dead), he's the bald, gruff speaking man-in-charge. Do you like his shiny pate and surprisingly supple legs? What about his colorful button ups? You decide.


Grant Wilson: The kinder, rapid-laugh cohort of Jay, he is considered the co-founder of TAPS. His interests are full-bodied apparitions, clear EVPs, and verifiable evidence. His dislikes are orbs and psychics. Do you laugh when he says "What the frig?" Then maybe you're ready for him to lay a train on you.


Steve Gonsalves: Overly-tattooed "tech manager" of the TAPS team, Steve is sometimes soft-spoken, but mostly just kind of a dumbass. He sure gets enthused about ghosts, but he DOESN'T get enthused about a great many other things: spiders, flying, heights, oceans, whole milk, deodorant, and public toilets. Do you like a man with complications? Then SG is waiting for you - and so is the human race.


Andy Andrews: Mousy, feminine-yet-married (she's dead now) Andy Andrews has the double-name market cornered. He "engineers" cool tools for ghost hunting, like his wrist-strapped flashlight (tm). He's also good at identifying owl pellets! Neat. If you've been thinking that maybe you're gay, AA is the closest you are getting to double X.


Brian Harnois: He's got snaggly teeth up the wazoo, but what he sure DOESN'T have is brains. Everything is a ghost, so good thing he's hunting them. They're everywhere! But if things get moderately scary, he knows when to run - and he'll tell you so! If you like hearing "dude" at least 40 times a day, BH is ready to love you... girl.



Dustin Pari: With all that spiky hair and upside-down visors, Dustin sure is Mr. Sassy Pants. His cool look and original wardrobe will tell you so. I think he might specialize in something, but the only thing I remember is him getting pushed down like a bitch in some castle by some ghost. What's up now, Pari? I mean - he could also be your partner and mate with you.


So there you go, Randi. For the sake of time and to spare you all that agonizing debating, I've saved the GHI team for another time. Please give us (myself and the reader) a short essay about whom you've chosen and why.

GOOD LUCK

Happy Friday Sluts

Current Events FAIL

I know it seems like I've been talking about the FAIL Blog in like every post, but let's pretend it's 2007 again and I am current on Internet trends. So this is my new favorite FAIL (you can click on it if you want to see a larger version):

No News Is Ridiculous News

If you're not from Arizona or have never lived in Arizona (which I think is none of our reader) then you probably don't know about our local news website, azcentral.com. They provide some legitimate news and pertinent Arizona-related information, but most of the time I find headlines like the ones below:

Oops, this is considered important news. But hey, the wake story included a picture of this dead guy propped up against a wall:

I only hope I can look this awesome when I die.

Something Special For The Cat Lady In Your Life

So Rissa has recently entered the world of cat ownership. Her cat’s name is Isi and she is adrobs. Isi was a teenage cat mother that Rissa found on Craigslist and now totally loves. ANYWAY, I fear she's a pink robe and an old pair of sweatpants away from becoming a legal citizen of Cat Ladyland. For example, as she mentioned previously, she watches movies like The Notebook with her cat and has posted a couple of videos on YouTube which can be found here (for your enjoyment).

So, I started thinking about all of the gift doors that have been opened now that she has become a cat lady. After a bit of googling, it seems the cat ladies of the world have really mobilized their feline-themed products on the world wide internets because I was provided with many gift ideas for future birthdays, Christmas, Labor Day, Valentine’s Day, Earth Day, etc. Below is a sample of the items that Rissa can expect to receive on all holidays for the rest of her life:

1. The most obvious gift is a subscription to Cat Fancy magazine. Here is where she can read heart-warming cat tales (PUN) like “one cat’s bicycle journey through South America”.

2. These figurines. The purple one is whimsical, while the red one has the market cornered on sassy.

3. *Singing* Here comes Cat-a Clause, here comes Cat-a Clause, right down Cat-a Clause lane…

4. This door stop so she can keep or herd of cats inside, or let them roam freely.

5. These adorrifying cat earrings that detach at the torso.

6. This Faberge cat jewelry box to keep all of her cat earrings in.

7. These cat salt and pepper shakers (and napkin holder!) for parties on Caturday.

8. These socks to keep her paws warm at night. BAD NEWS. These are currently out of stock due to high demand!

9. And finally, this stroller/cat prison for her to safely take her babies out for afternoon strolls. As you can see, it has many great features and is 30% larger than the original PetStroller (bonus!).

And there you have it!

I'm Not Cool Enough To Be a Part of the American Family

Today I was watching The Notebook by myself in my one bedroom apartment with my cat; truly, it was the most single-woman-experience I've had thus far. The only thing missing was a pint of Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, since the silent tears were definitely there (dignity=none). It was airing on ABC Family and during the movie there were several commercials for ORIGINAL ABC FAMILY PROGRAMMING.

I saw commercials for three different shows: Greek, Secret Life of the American Teenager, and something something Lincoln Street. Greek is about bitchy, smarmy, long-haired boys and girls drinkin', goin' to class, partyin', pledgin', and of course, LIVIN' IT UP COLLEGE-STYLE, which most likely includes giving some fat kid the nickname "Lunchbox." Secret Life is about high school kids doing the same thing, but also getting pregnant at 16. Finally, something something Lincoln Street is about a Black family.

I know what you're thinking - bad punchline. Good thing that was not the punchline. The payoff is this - the ABC Family channel motto for their original programming is "ABC Family - a NEW kind of family." According to this great motto, here are the essential elements of the NEW kind of American family:

-wispy bangs
-pledgin'
-being a totally amoral sophomore in high school who doesn't double bag it when they should
-layered shirts
-flat ironed hair
-wacky college pranks that most likely "go wrong"
-being a bitch
-date rape
-being Black (no one was Black in America before, whew!)

That's cool, ABC. I understand I'm not part of the new America. I'm just some stupid 23 year-old who hasn't gotten pregnant and didn't pledge to TriDelt.




You are SO welcome. (P.S. Et tu Molly Ringwald???!!!)