I Live in Las Cruces, New Mexico

Much like Randi's "Things I'm Addicted To" and "Most Flattering Picture" featurettes, this post marks the beginning of what will most likely prove to be the most fruitful of my running themes: the fact that I Live in Las Cruces, New Mexico.

LC is a strange, Langoliers-esque city that resides not in the USA, but in the Plunited States of Gaymerica. Here, fact is fiction, and fiction is probably banned because it wasn't Catholic. After celebrating ONE FULL YEAR in the Cosmic Asshole of the Universe, I present you with some LC FUN FACTS (yaaayyy all riiiiggght):

-Each year, LC has a caterpillar migration where nearly a million big green caterpillars make their way through the city on the way to... whatever. Breed? Die? I don't know, and my giveashit meter just ran out of care-juice. The point is, at this time of year, the roads are smeared with thousands of green dots and their surprisingly bluish guts, like tropical burst gushers. When I ride over them with my bike, they make this strange snikt sound that makes me nauseous. If that isn't enough, this happens every year, but on the news they're still like "CATERPILLAR INFESTATION ZOMG!!!1" Literally, they complain about it on the 9 o'clock news. WHOOPS. You live in a city that is invaded by caterpillars once a year. The maybe-you-should-rethink-where-you-live hot air balloon just landed in your I'm-a-dumbass parking lot.

-The biggest theater in LC, the TELSHOR CINEMA 12 (the big 12), has absolutely no seating inside save the actual theater seats. It's like a weird betaverse where everyone is a vampire and doesn't need to sit (oh no I didn't!). P.S. - I just did.

-There is a farmers market where US currency isn't accepted, only swallows' beaks and American Spirit cigarettes. They just sell onions, Sagrado Corazon candles, fresh-made tortas, and gift certificates to Caliches, the local frozen custard stand. If you bring in a bushel's worth of migrant caterpillars, you can trade it in for one cup of cinnamon horchata and a case of that beer that's mixed with Clamato.

Things I'm Addicted To: Soul Calibur IV

If you don’t know what Soul Calibur is, you’re probably in a better place in your life right now than me (and most likely a lot cooler). I became addicted to this game during college when it was out for Nintendo Gamecube and spent many-a-night playing it mindlessly when I clearly should have been studying.


Soul Calibur is a Mortal Kombat-style fighting game and that’s about it. It has practically no story line, terrible voice acting, scantily-clad characters and is easy to learn how to play.

I haven’t played Soul Calibur for a couple of years, but I knew I was in trouble when the husband told me that Soul Calibur IV was going to be released for PS3. I became jittery like a recovering alcoholic in a room full o’ booze. Said husband picked up the game on the day it was released, I learned the new controls, and am now fully addicted to The Calibur again. You want proof? I’m developing a nerd blister on my left thumb.

You guys, this is pretty much what I look like when I’m playing:

That said, I would like to discuss the completely ridiculous nature of Soul Calibur. I’m absolutely convinced this game was developed by a basement full of 13 year old boys with an unlimited supply of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. Here are some reasons that I believe this to be true:

1. The lack of clothing for female characters and size of lady chesticles. All of the female characters look like this:

2. The “story line” incorporates words like “destiny” and “fate” but in a nonsensical way like, “The wind is my destiny and you shall not prevail!”. This could only be written by 13 year old boys who put all of their pubescent effort into creating point number 1 above.

3. Random presence of Darth Vader in a game otherwise filled with medieval-type characters. Yes nerds, in case you’re wondering, he fights with a light saber and can use the force.

Still, I am hopelessly addicted. Here’s an overview of the game for those of you who have lives and don’t have time to learn Talim’s grab attack and scissor kick combo:

P.S. - The guy who does this game review is also Rissa's boyfriend.

This Picture Is Only Worth Two Words: Suck It

A while ago the internet was like "Hey lay-dayz, why don't you smile nice for a picture for your blog?" And we were like "Whatever, internet." You know how we do.

I'm Concerned About Men's Deep V-Neck T-Shirts

Hey guys. I know you don’t have a lot of fashion options. Sorry about that. Since women have to have periods and babies, we get more options. It’s science.

Recently I’ve noticed more and more of you wearing deep v-neck t-shirts. No. In this girl’s opinion, man cleavage is not a good look. Hairy man cleavage is an even worse look.

No, Ed Westwick

No, Jonas Brother whose name I don't know

No, anorexic man model

No, this guy

Even though they’re available in lots of pretty colors that match any variation of khaki or faded denim, I would appreciate it if you would just stop.

In return, I will promise not to wear velour track suits. Deal?

Wal Mart Held a Gun to My Head

Today, I bought a dress at Wal Mart. Now, understand that I am properly ashamed of this. However, after a little thought, I realized that this opened the Pandora's box of the White Trash lifestyle. Here are a few new things I'm gonna bring on board to git 'er done (they say that, right?).

1. Chewing Tobacco

Chewing tobacco, or "chew" to all us people that have bought dresses at Wal Mart, is awesome. Tobacco tastes so delicious, I want to skip burning it and put it right in my mouth - with tiny shards of glass inside! My precancerous cells are humming in anticipation. Not only THAT, there's a cool trick called The Ring of Fire, where you ring the area between your lips and teeth (top and bottom, else it's not a ring - dur). I'm told it's so HOT (zing!) that the glass shards cut your tissue to put nicotine straight into your bloodstream, so you can throw up seconds after doing it. FIERCE!

2. Scratchers

Not only will I incorporate scratchers into my daily routine, like others who have bought dresses at Wal Mart, I will become addicted to them. My WT lifestyle would not be complete without a true addiction, and I want one that will suck my money up fast.

3. Bumper Stickers

My new bumper stickers will be bought exclusively at Chuck E Cheese, roller rinks, and thrift stores, to ensure that they are a) totally sparkly b) in a convenient oval shape and c) full of classy phrases like "no fear" and "princess" and "super bitch." I've spent 5 years of higher education to learn how to express myself. NOW, I AM HOME.

4. Camo Pants

Naturally, I'm going to need a pretty sweet pair of pants to stash all that cool shit in. So that means it's got to have a lot of pockets - all up and down those baggy pant legs. But how to roll in style? I can only think of one print - the king of prints - to bedeck my new travel-ware. CAMO. SIIIICK. I gotta make sure it has velcro pockets, though, because how else can I get my switch blade out fast enough?



I give you the finished product:

Who Has Two Thumbs and Loves Animal T-Shirts?

This girl. For some reason this morning while looking at a list of business-related things and a spreadsheet of business-related numbers, I started to think about animal t-shirts. Why? Why not. So, after a brief google image search, I present to you my 7 favorite animal t-shirts that can be found on the internet (through a brief google image search). I never claimed to be a writer.

Aaaanndd, Here. We. Go.

The last one is clearly my favorite because 1. there are two sides to the shirt, and 2. you can see the cat's assholes.

There are a lot of online retailers that sell these, so keep them in mind for Christmas and Kwanzaa.

Hey Rissa!

Hey, Rissa. Welcome to my blogspace. Do you like my format? It's very dramatic.

Look! I found your boyfriend over on Best Week Ever's blog!

Sorry reader, we'll get back to blogging about truck nuts and Paris Hilton now.