Five Better Things To Do Rather Than Watch The RNC

CNN and other news organizations that Murdoch shit out after eating a foot-long chili coney from Sonic are sure all over that RNC, and how awesome McCain and Joe Lieberman and Bush and Cheney and Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget are. But I thought - you know what? I bet there are a TON of better things to do than even look at this headline about Lieberman teabagging McCain. For you, reader, I have compiled it in crispy, nougat center list format.

1. Get drunk and fall in a gutter full of dogshit. Sobering up/cleaning that off will take awhile.

2. Almost get date raped. Make the obligatory myspace post and journal about it afterward.

3. Make a tribute video for youtube about your favorite moderately-known TV star to a really awesome Fall Out Boy jam.

4. See how deep you can cut yourself until you pass out. I bet it's pretty deep - and I bet you pass out for a while.

5. Punch your fist through a wall; preferably attempt to punch it through a brick wall. That agonizing crunch of bone, cartilage, and veins will REALLY distract you from the fact that the nation is on the edge of a knife, about to choose a tyrannical party to lead for the third time because FETUSES ARE PEOPLE TOO AND JESUS LOVES THEM.